The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
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The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.