*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
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One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
No regrets in 2018
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I bet
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
i’m laughing very hard in real life