Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Happy Friday
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701