Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
another case of gang violins
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
yeah 😭
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Did I do this right
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (