[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
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Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.