Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
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[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.