judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
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GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
When your parents check you’re ok.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My background check bounced.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”