2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
You can’t rush stupid.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”