I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
You Might Also Like
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Finally!
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
no one ever comes back
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.