“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
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Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My background check bounced.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*