Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
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Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Wait a second…
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.