Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
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Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.