Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
#TopTip
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?