Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.