[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
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I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
🙁
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to