I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Baking is just science you can eat.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.