If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex