I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.