Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.