If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
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My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
LMAO
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”