My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
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i like to flex on them by shrugging
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
A classic…
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.