If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
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My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be