If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
good let them take over I have had enough
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.