Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
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Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.