HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Friday