My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
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Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
OKAY DAD
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.