Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
You Might Also Like
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.