Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
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iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Cndnsd Mlk
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.