The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
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I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38