Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
You Might Also Like
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?