Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Not all heroes wear capes….
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Who chose this font
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island