She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
You Might Also Like
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.