5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
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Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’m crying im so happy for them
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!