People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Generation gap…
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?