[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.