The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
You Might Also Like
Ken is short for chicken
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”