Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Fight