Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
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Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”