I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
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People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.