I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life