I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.