Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
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Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years