Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
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My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
(yawn)
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Cake safety first. Always.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.