i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.