If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
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Best spoiler warning ever
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
This guy’s not having it 😆
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Important reminders