When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Finally!
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her