[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Very good news from my accountant
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
the prophecies have been fulfilled
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies