Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
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Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore