[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
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When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”