Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
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government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.